To you, mama

From Memory

from Shana

I can't believe just 2 1/2 weeks ago I was talking to my mom. Saturday, March 11th. Just the regular stuff, I think I was going on about how fat I was or something and she was so happy and just wanted to keep talking. We talked for about twenty minutes or so and then I said I had to go - Iwas at the post office mailing her some magazines and hmmmm - i think some popcorn. I knew I should have called her on Monday morning at 8. I had this feeling but I just ignored it and thought I would call her after my interview.

I can still hear myself screaming when my sister told me she died. At that moment someone ripped my heart out of my body. It's been missing ever since. I miss my mom so much - it hurts every second of every day. Nothing seems right without her sweet voice, her cheering me on in everything I did. Bonnie was right, I am sooooo lucky to have been so connected to my mom - so special in her life. That was the biggest gift of all. But now my life is incomplete. I want to talk to her every day. I see something and want to tell her; I want to call her and tell her I love her - and she's not there. I am going to try to call my dad every day. He must be so lonely. But I have no connection with him. It's not the same.

I told him to talk to her. To tell her he loves her. I do that - just talking to myself all the time in my head - talking to my mom. Please come back mama. Please come back and take care of me. I don't want to be alone. I have an empty space in my life. I lived for you - now I have nothing. Please tell me this is a horrible horrible nightmare and that you are still alive and smiling. I love you so much - I know I told you all of the time - but it wasn't enough. I remember when I said goodbye to you at the airport a month ago - I hugged you and took a deep whiff of you. I always did that when I said goodbye because just in case - I wanted to remember that moment for ever. And I do and I will. I keep your blue soft shirt in my closet and smell it every dya. It still smells like you. I put your white cut up sweatshirt with the rolled up sleeves in a drawer. I'm not going to wash it. It still smells like you too. I hope it does forever.

I miss you so much. sometimes the pain is so overwhelming. like right now. I see your clothes on my couch - the 4 boxes I sent myself are here and i unloaded them. I wish I sent myself more. Tina gave away the rest of it. But I have your precious things - your favorite things and I will wear them and remember you. I plan on wearing something of yours everyday for the rest of my life. And when I get your ashes I will wear them around my neck. I ordered a gold and silver necklace - you werent here to help me decide like you did last time. And i wear y our gold bracelet you gave me, and necklace, and your mom's gold bracelet every day.

I love you to pieces mama. You are always in my heart and always on my mind. I will love you forever with the deepest most heartfelt love. I still dream about you too. I love you mama. xoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo xoxoxs